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Parenting Advice: What If My Child Won't Go To School?
By Dr. Noel Swanson.
"I need help! My 9 year old daughter has started resisting school. She misses several days every week, complaining of tummy or head aches. When I try to talk to her she screams and cries. She acts as if she's terrified to go."
You have to be firm with her, and not try to just wait it out. If she misses too much school, she will never go back.
Still, you need to realize that her feelings are real. Showing anger won't help either of you.
Try to work out if her fear is about going to school (school phobia), leaving you or home (separation anxiety), or going into crowded public places (agoraphobia).
If someone is bullying, teasing, embarrassing, or abusing her, then it could be the first diagnosis. Talk to her teachers to find out what they know and to inform them of your experiences with your daughter.
Have her pediatrician examine her. Tell him what's going on so that he can check for serious illness.
If he rules out an illness, then believe what he says. Don't have a lot of expensive tests. Assume that your child is physically well and needs to go to school. Keep assuring her firmly and confidently that she'll be fine (and so will you) once she arrives. If she still claims of physical ailments, you have two options;
Option one is to tell her she has to go to school. Of course if she shows symptoms of real illness, you would keep her home. Simply "not feeling good" isn't a good enough reason not to go. Adults go to work with headaches and other fairly minor
ailments.
The second option is to take her word for it and act accordingly. Since she is ill, she should be in bed. Turn off her lights, close the curtains, and don't allow any TV or special snacks. Just go about your daily routine and don't give her any attention. Make sure that being at home is as boring as can be. If she can't sleep, then she should work on her studies. Don't allow any visitors.
Establish some incentives for her to go to school. Some kind of reward or privilege would be in order.
You must be tough and firm, but also calm, about all of this. Be clear that you expect her to be at school, but do not get into a fight with her about it. The goal is for her to want to get back as quickly as possible. Once there, and she discovers that nothing does happen to her or to you while at school, the symptoms of depression and anxiety should rapidly resolve.
If you have no luck with these techniques and fear that she may be seriously depressed or anxious, then call your doctor for a professional referral. Dr. Noel Swanson has a free newsletter on children's behavior problems and is a leading contributor to Yes Parenting website.
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