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Consistency - The Magic Word For Parenting
By Dr. Noel Swanson
If there is one word that is consistently heard about parenting, it is the need for consistency: consistency in what you say and do, and consistency between parents.
Indeed, if you fail I this, you give ample opportunity to your children to manipulate you and play one parent off another. But how on earth do you achieve that? And what if the other parent has no interest in improving his/her style?
Here are some helpful tips:
First of all, make a plan in advance about how you would like to deal with particular situations. This will help you crystallize your own thoughts and put things in perspective.
Having done that, when you find yourself in that situation you will be able to calmly do what you had pre-planned.
Without a plan, you will act out of habit, which is often a lot of yelling and threatening. With a plan, you will probably react differently.
You need to be clear about what is important and what is not. Then focus your attention on battles that are worth fighting and ignore the others. Remember, you cannot enforce rules on everything; you need to allow some freedom to the child especially if it doesn’t reflect poorly on the behavior.
If you don’t want your child to put his feet on the sofa, spell it out for him, and stick with it. Don't tell him to get his feet off one day, and then allow it the next time.
If you think through all the conflicts that give you the greatest stress, you will probably find that many of them are in these grey areas. You can't keep sitting on the fence. Once you decide which way you way to jump, you will find that much of that stress goes away.
The really difficult part is when you have a plan, but your partner keeps undermining it.
Now this reveals a great deal about your relationship as a couple. This is the area where you need to work on your relationship. Make sure that you discuss the children calmly and rationally, rather than use them as pawns in some kind of power games between you.
I am not suggesting that you should agree on everything – but you should be able to agree to disagree. The important point is that no matter what your differences of opinion you should support each other in the presence of the children.
Otherwise the kids will simply go from one parent to the next looking for the answer they want.
So, once again, the
key to consistency between parents is the same as being consistent yourself - plan ahead. Spend time discussing your rules and expectations so that you can come up with a coherent plan. One way to do this is to read a book together and then discuss it.
Some parents find it difficult to agree on even fundamental ways of handling situations. This often stems from different styles and beliefs.
In such a scenario, it is best to be true to yourself. By virtue of the same rule, give freedom to your partner to do the same.
The outcome of this is that the children are quick to size up both the parents and manipulate them to their advantage. If one parent is strict and the other lenient, the children know whom to go to and get what they are looking for.
There are ways to overcome this situation if you do some introspection and try to understand the other’s point of view. Rather than let the children acquire wrong attitudes, it is better to put yourself in the other’s shoes. And, as they say, if it hurts, it must be hurting the other too. So, start by working on yourself, and you will see how fast the other changes too.
Make amends before the situation gets out of control and the time comes when one parent completely destroys the authority or credibility of the other parent. This is a distress signal for you to take note of and do something about your relationship. If you don't, your children will learn to disrespect all types of authority, and you will gradually lose all respect for yourself too.
Remember, if you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always got... if you want something to change, YOU will have to do something about it. Don't keep waiting for someone else to change first. Dr. Noel Swanson's website provides free expert tips and advice - just sign up for his newsletter and get a free chapter of his book, The GOOD CHILD Guide. You can also meet with other parents on a parenting forum.
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