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Parenting Tips: What To Do When You're Told, "you're Not My Dad!
By Dr. Noel Swanson
Q. "Five years ago, my son's father left. In the meantime I remarried, David, who is a fabulous man. He has tried his best to make friends with my son, Nathan. I handle all of the discipline. We've been married for three years now, and my son still won't do anything David asks of him. How can I persuade him to listen to his stepfather?".
A. Children often feel at fault when their parents divorce, even though the problems are with the adults. Nathan most likely sees the situation as his dad leaving him, rather than you. If his dad doesn't visit, or is sporadic about it, this will only reinforce Nathan's belief. He feels abandoned, guilty and also angry. His biggest fear is probably that you will leave him too.
Nathan is carrying all this around plus the fact that you married another man. This makes it evident to him that his parents won't be re-uniting. Also another man is taking away the special attention he was getting when you were a single mom. He has a lot on his plate and it makes sense that he will have trouble coping.
Perhaps Nathan got on really well with David before you married. At that stage, he was just Mum's boyfriend. Then, he was fun to have around, and never tried to act bossy. Now he is living in the house like he owns it.
Making the transition from visitor to parent is often very tricky. The key to it is to be open and honest about it all. Communication is the key. Make time to talk together, regularly, in various combinations: you and Nathan, Nathan and David, and all three of you. Include your other children if you have any.
There are a couple of important
points to be aware of: first let Nathan know that you understand that he's upset and resentful. Then tell him that David will never replace his father. It's perfectly normal for Nathan to miss and love his dad, even if you don't. Do your best to remain matter-of- fact about your divorce, and don't include any children in disagreements between you and your ex.
Also be honest about the fact that you love David and that's why he is now a part of the family. This doesn't detract from your love for Nathan in any way. Explain that when Nathan learns to like and accept David, that won't affect his love for his dad.
Finally, make it quite clear that you have given full authority to David to have parental authority in the home. What David says is what goes. Do not allow Nathan to come to you to try to undermine decisions that David has made. Even if you disagree with what David has said you will need to back him up in public. Then when you are alone with him, you can sort out your disagreement. Nathan must see and hear that you are both completely united, and that you will back up David one hundred percent. Dr. Noel Swanson has a free newsletter with expert advice and also writes regularly for Yes Parenting website. ~ai586
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