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Parenting Advice: Children Who Lie
By Dr. Noel Swanson
Lying infuriates adults. The funny thing is, though, that it is the adults that often set the child up. It goes like this:
Mum heard that Greg was seen throwing stones at another child:
"Greg, what have you been doing this afternoon?" [Right, I'm going to confess to something that you don't know.]
"Like what? I haven't been doing anything", he says innocently and looked a bit confused.
"Did you throw rocks at the new girl?" [Maybe I can still get away with it]
"No.", he says out, loud looking shocked that you would even imagine such a thing.
"Well Mavis says you did."
"Well it wasn't me, it was some other kid." [Surely she will believe her son before a neighbour!]
"She is convinced she saw you doing it."
"She's wrong! It wasn't me!"
Mum's first mistake was to offer him a way out, and then immediately corner him. Now they have to face off. Does Mum believe Mavis, or is there room for doubt? Greg does sound pretty sure of himself. Maybe it was another kid. If she lets him off now she'll have to tell him how sorry she is. If she believes he's guilty, she will have to punish him both for lying and for throwing stones.
Most children will lie to get out of trouble. Your job is to encourage them to tell the truth, not tempt them to lie more. That means that there must be some definite benefit for confessing, rather than trying to wriggle out of it. First you need to lay some foundations of truth and honesty in your home. Make sure that you, yourself, don't lie. Get into the habit of noticing and rewarding honesty and truthfulness. Talk about the value of honesty, and a good reputation. Demonstrate that honesty is a Good Thing, and that
it gets rewarded.
Then, when you do suspect your children of some misdemeanor, stay calm.
If you already know what they did, don't ask, "What did you do?" That's just tempting them unfairly. Tell them what you already know and what the consequences will be.
On the other hand, you can invite them to tell you the truth. This is how it might be done:
"Greg, Mavis has told me about something she saw this afternoon. I would like to know what happened. But before you tell me, I want you to go away and think about it for 15 minutes. And remember, we value honesty in this household."
This gives Greg the chance to settle down and think about his problem. He can dig a deeper hole for himself, or he can tell his mum the truth. If he decides to take the honest route, be sure to praise him. If he sticks to the lie, then punish him both for lying and for the deed.
Either way, once things have calmed down, talk about the feelings of anger, envy, or insecurity that may have led to the behaviours. Show that it is okay to have such feelings, but that feelings don't excuse bad behaviour. Be patient. Tthey won't talk until they know it is safe and that you won't "blow up" at what they say. Dr. Noel Swanson has a free newsletter with expert advice and also writes regularly for Yes Parenting website.
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